So Halloween has been a bit of a flop, I must admit. I mean the actual Halloween night deal--trick-or-treaters, etc. Squirrels ate the head off the ghost on my jack-o-lantern, and the hordes of youth never really materialized, despite our ideal neighborhood conditions: near-suburban location, closely spaced houses, and rich folks left, right and center (i.e., abundant, awesome candy). So where are these kids? I only had about five doorbell rings all night. WTF?

Ah, well. It's never as good as when we were kids. We'd hit 500 houses before 8:00, then head back to HQ and meticulously catalogue and analyze the loot. We'd barter and trade and scheme for our favorites, trying to score the best bargain and give the least away, more saavy and cunning than a Moroccan spice trader. Then we'd milk that stash at least until Thanksgiving and maybe til Christmas. Towards the end, you'd find yourself thinking, "Well, if I have one tiny bite of this Milk Dud now, and then another this afternoon, I might not have to open that pack of Now and Laters until the weekend." It was a chance to hone your self-discipline and even self-denial--important virtues in a Puritan home.

Anyhoo, now we find our fun in different ways. Namely, we dress up and go to parties and/or bars. Which is less sugary, but more alcoholicky, so I guess it evens out. And this year, on Saturday night, Cat and I entered a costume contest run by the local alternative newsweekly. They photographed us with results you see above.

We did not win, as far as I know. But the public adored us unabashedly. Or rather, they adored my lady. She was mobbed on the street: "Oh my GOD! It's Ugly Betty! Betty, we love you! Touch us! Love us! You're amazing! You get me! Only you can save my child!" And on it went. They even accidentally tore off her wig while embracing her. Now, granted, they were a little blottoed (ok, maybe a lot blottoed) but nonetheless, it appears from this over-the-top ecstasy of the inebriated revelers that the woman got things just right and touched a nerve. The only thing missing was the braces. But you can't have it all.

So there we were, Betty and Henry. We had a blast, and Halloween was saved, even before it had a chance to begin. What was truly scary about my costume is just how well big clunky black glasses and a sweater vest make me into Ultra Nerd. My large protruding Adam's apple is clearly not helping matters, either. Note to self: take care of your eyes and avoid garments without sleeves. There's scary, and then there's scary.

Love you some America Garcia with me,

TR